Mother's Little Breakdown
Well, the hissy fit that's been brewing for a while finally hit this morning. I stood in the driveway and let my husband have it regarding everything that's been bothering me lately (except for all the forgiveness exercises I've been doing). I was upset and loud and then I started crying, whereupon I came into the house, locked myself in my bedroom and bawled. It was much needed and a long time in coming.
I feel overwhelmed most days with what I need to accomplish. I have 5 children who need to be fed, cleaned, nurtured, have laundry done, etc. In addition I teach 3 of the 5 children and I'm trying to be attuned to their educational as well as physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. So I've got a lot going on. Most days it doesn't bother me. Most days I kind of laugh at it because I somehow manage to get through the day intact. But today was not one of those days.
Sometimes the guilt just gets to me. I'm never what I need to be for anyone. Forget perfect, I feel inadequate and incompetent a lot, especially lately. Is it enough? Are the kids going to grow up hating me for what a lousy parent I am? Yes, like I resent my own mother. I'm trying very hard to forgive her; I do understand where she was coming from and what she was working with but I still resent the fact that she never gave me a fraction of what I needed beyond food. But that's for another rant.
I love my children. I love my husband. I don't want them gone. I just want to feel competent in this job. I feel so incompetent and useless most days lately.
I feel overwhelmed most days with what I need to accomplish. I have 5 children who need to be fed, cleaned, nurtured, have laundry done, etc. In addition I teach 3 of the 5 children and I'm trying to be attuned to their educational as well as physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. So I've got a lot going on. Most days it doesn't bother me. Most days I kind of laugh at it because I somehow manage to get through the day intact. But today was not one of those days.
Sometimes the guilt just gets to me. I'm never what I need to be for anyone. Forget perfect, I feel inadequate and incompetent a lot, especially lately. Is it enough? Are the kids going to grow up hating me for what a lousy parent I am? Yes, like I resent my own mother. I'm trying very hard to forgive her; I do understand where she was coming from and what she was working with but I still resent the fact that she never gave me a fraction of what I needed beyond food. But that's for another rant.
I love my children. I love my husband. I don't want them gone. I just want to feel competent in this job. I feel so incompetent and useless most days lately.
posted by Lori's Light Extemporanea | 7:03 AM
1 Comments:
Hugs and prayers coming your way, Lori! I can completely relate to those feelings. There are many days where I just feel overwhelmed and underappreciated on all fronts. I wonder what I'm doing and how badly I'm messing things up. Despite all those feelings, I tell myself to keep plodding along, because I can't do anything else. I pray for wisdom and patience and so much more.
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