Thank you, Angela
I so appreciate your comments always! And I'm tickled that you're in that group that I just joined, thanks to Retta.
I've been thinking a lot about my life...like, what's wrong with it. I'm feeling unsettled a lot lately, which makes me want to find out what's going on so I can continue on with my life, easy as usual. I feel a lot of guilt about stuff like spending too much time on the computer. I was thinking today, "I wonder what life would be like without the computer?" Isn't that sad? Computers and the internet haven't been around all that long...and here I can't do without my fix every day. That sort of worries me.
Another thing I've been thinking about are my children, who they are, who they're becoming, and what my part in all of that is. My second daughter and I just do not get along. She's only 11. I don't want to think about what life will be like when she's 16. I love her, but she just pushes my buttons all the time. I know she needs love and support but I think I'm nervous about getting close to her because when we get close, she gets me and there we are again. I think I just have to put myself in the place to be "gotten" and deal with it without flinching.
And then there are the twins. When are they going to feel like mine? They look more and more familiar to me every day. I know that sounds funny but when you adopt, you don't get to spend hours gazing at them as they sleep or when they're quiet. The twins came to us when they were almost a year old, very active, and I had to jump right in there and deal with health problems, family problems, etc. So, their faces are getting to be familiar to me. They even come up to be comforted rather than having me pick them up and lavish comforting on them. It's just so sad to me that these little bitty people thought it would not be a good idea to trust me because they'd been hurt/abandoned so many times before. But I can relate, having been there myself with my parents.
And that brings me to my husband. I want to be a better wife. He's such a wonderful man: patient, kind, loving, funny. And I'm such a shrew. By the time he gets home, I just want to run away and have some quiet time away from the children. And I don't want any more demands on my body or my time. I need and want to do better. We both deserve better.
I think the thing is that I'm just not a good manager. I don't manage my time or my resources well. I'm always running around with my hair afire. And I will blame part of it on the twins' steadfast refusal to leave anything as it should be. I spend a lot of time cleaning up after their messes.
So this is just a stream-of-consciousness thing to put down a few things I've been thinking about. I can't even get them totally out but part of it is out there and now I can puzzle about some other aspects of the things I'm thinking about.
I've been thinking a lot about my life...like, what's wrong with it. I'm feeling unsettled a lot lately, which makes me want to find out what's going on so I can continue on with my life, easy as usual. I feel a lot of guilt about stuff like spending too much time on the computer. I was thinking today, "I wonder what life would be like without the computer?" Isn't that sad? Computers and the internet haven't been around all that long...and here I can't do without my fix every day. That sort of worries me.
Another thing I've been thinking about are my children, who they are, who they're becoming, and what my part in all of that is. My second daughter and I just do not get along. She's only 11. I don't want to think about what life will be like when she's 16. I love her, but she just pushes my buttons all the time. I know she needs love and support but I think I'm nervous about getting close to her because when we get close, she gets me and there we are again. I think I just have to put myself in the place to be "gotten" and deal with it without flinching.
And then there are the twins. When are they going to feel like mine? They look more and more familiar to me every day. I know that sounds funny but when you adopt, you don't get to spend hours gazing at them as they sleep or when they're quiet. The twins came to us when they were almost a year old, very active, and I had to jump right in there and deal with health problems, family problems, etc. So, their faces are getting to be familiar to me. They even come up to be comforted rather than having me pick them up and lavish comforting on them. It's just so sad to me that these little bitty people thought it would not be a good idea to trust me because they'd been hurt/abandoned so many times before. But I can relate, having been there myself with my parents.
And that brings me to my husband. I want to be a better wife. He's such a wonderful man: patient, kind, loving, funny. And I'm such a shrew. By the time he gets home, I just want to run away and have some quiet time away from the children. And I don't want any more demands on my body or my time. I need and want to do better. We both deserve better.
I think the thing is that I'm just not a good manager. I don't manage my time or my resources well. I'm always running around with my hair afire. And I will blame part of it on the twins' steadfast refusal to leave anything as it should be. I spend a lot of time cleaning up after their messes.
So this is just a stream-of-consciousness thing to put down a few things I've been thinking about. I can't even get them totally out but part of it is out there and now I can puzzle about some other aspects of the things I'm thinking about.
posted by Lori's Light Extemporanea | 6:13 AM
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